Almost There

The receptionist called again this morning. My heart sank when I saw the number on my phone in fear that it would have to be rescheduled again, but it sounds like everything is back from the lab and I can move forward.

T- minus 2 hours.  

I’m excited and nervous.  I feel like I’m sitting in a final holding area waiting for my name to be called so I can walk through the door to another way of living and feeling. 

I just want answers. 

I want someone to tell me there is a reason I can’t hold my babies and watch them grow up. And there is a reason I feel the way I do, everyday.  “These things happen” isn’t acceptable to me anymore.

It’s only been a few months since I lost my twins and emotions are running high today. I’m kind of a mess (I would say I’m a hot mess, but I feel cold at the moment). Up to this point I think that I’ve been coping with my grief by focusing on my health and searching for answers.  I honestly haven’t cried a lot. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t feel sad more often. My explanation is that I’m too tired to feel sad all the time.That may be hard to understand.

Today, all of the grief and struggle is bubbling up to the surface.  I can’t help but reflect over last three years and think of the four little ones I love so much, but don’t know.  It’s hard to put into words what this hope of having an answer feels like after all that has been lost. It’s bittersweet to say the least.

I’m rounding the last corner of a race I didn’t even know I was running but I can see the finish line (or is it the starting line?). My body and mind are tired my heart is bruised and I feel like I could shut down at any moment, but I know I’m almost there so I keep going.

I have no choice.

In just a few hours I could be on the road to healing and hope.

This song keeps running through my head today.  It makes me want to cry, whether from hope or despair, I’m not sure. 

Maybe both.

Her Name is Wisdom

I’m looking for her, but she’s so hard to find

Just like a treasure mine

 I won’t ignore her, she knows just what is right

 She’s leading me to the light

 

She shines like silver, she’s more beautiful than gold

And I love the diamond she holds

Nothing I desire can compare to…

 

Her name is Wisdom and she’s calling me

Yes, I have got to find her, dunno know where

But her name is Wisdom… and she’s what I need

 Her name is Wisdom and she’s calling me

 

I want to love her, i want her by my side

Everyday and night

 Just like my mother, she knows just what is right

And I will be safe tonight

 

She shines like silver, she’s more beautiful than gold

 And I love the diamond she holds

Nothing I desire can compare to…

 

Her name is Wisdom and she’s calling me

 Yes, I have got to find her, dunno know where

But her name is Wisdom… and she’s what I need

Her name is Wisdom and she’s calling me

 

“Hey where are you going?” she calls to me

“Do you understand?” she calls to me

“You can stop your mourning” she calls to me

“Come and take my hand.”

 

She shines like silver, she’s more beautiful than gold

And I love the diamond she holds

Nothing I desire can compare to…

 

Her name is Wisdom and she’s calling me

Yes, I have got to find her, dunno know where

But her name is Wisdom… and she’s what I need

Her name is Wisdom and she’s calling me

– Song and Lyrics by Kepano Green

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