Believe

Check In:

It’s a Monday morning and I’m sipping an extra cup of coffee to try and give me a boost this morning. It’s one of those knuckle dragging mornings. 

So familiar. 

The thing is, I didn’t even leave my house yesterday.  Was it a beautiful sunny spring day?  I’m pretty sure it was.  It looked really nice from my kitchen window, but I don’t recall even stepping outside.  To feel this worn out is silly considering I folded laundry, loaded the dishwasher and organized some closets. Oh, and I went to bed at 9 pm and slept for 8 hours.

Saturday I had a really weird thing going on with my heart.  I think it’s worth mentioning as I understand there is a connection between heart problems and thyroid. In fact, at my Dr. appointment they did an EKG on me.  It was normal, but I plan to talk to my NP about this tomorrow.

Tomorrow!  I can’t wait.

Back to Saturday, I had a couple of things planned and I noticed that I kept feeling these odd heart flutters. I felt a little bit dizzy a couple of times, most notable when I was sitting down and traveling in a vehicle. Towards the evening it started to happen more and more, finally I gave up and went to lie down in bed around 830. I found my pulse on my neck and when I would feel a heart flutter, my pulse would sort of stall and then there would be a stronger “thump” and it would go back to normal. It kind of freaked me out. I fell asleep and didn’t feel it anymore on Sunday.

I remember feeling this a lot when I was in Junior High School. In the 9th grade it was happening so often and at the time only in the morning during gym class. I also remember fainting once around that time when I got up too quickly from the couch and walked back to my bedroom. All of the sudden I was on the floor about halfway down the hall next to the bathroom. My Mom took me to see our Family Doctor and they ordered a stress test. I remember running on a treadmill while hooked up to a bunch of machines. They didn’t find anything “abnormal.” I was told to “sit down and wait until it passes”. I thought I outgrew it because the heart racing and pounding has never been as intense as I remember it at 14/15, but I do recall experiencing heart flutters and dizziness over the years at different times. It still happens often when I stand up too quickly from a chair or out of my car, or out of bed. Just ask my husband.

Sometimes I struggle with believing myself. That these things are really happening and that I don’t feel well.  Who wants to be “that person” and walk around like a victim all the time? And who wants to listen to whiners? It’s very possible, however, that I’ve been living in some denial of myself because when I really think back over the last few years I realize, “hey, I do remember that happening”, or, “I’ve felt this before”. I think it’s a challenge to determine what is “normal” and what’s not. People have different levels of tolerance and what may be obvious to one person may not be to another. At the end of my appointment with my NP after we had discussed many things including my health history, the miscarriages, my symptoms, she said something that really struck me.  She glanced down at the notes she had written and said:

“Wow, Robin, to have been dealing with all of these losses and life stresses all the while feeling the ways you do… you are a hearty woman.” 

I think that’s the most understood I’ve ever felt in my life.

I feel like I need a check- in today. I’m struggling with boundaries and speaking up for myself when I lack the energy to meet other people’s expectations. I want to learn to be okay with that. I need a moment to stop and take some inventory.

I feel:

  • Tired
  •  Cold, shivering
  • Cold hands
  • Foggy brain
  • Heavy eyelids
  • Lethargic

 

Robin

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