It’s midday and I am feeling the second “crash” of energy, concentration and motivation. I wasn’t organized this morning and left the house feeling frazzled and irritated because I shuffled around and took so long to get ready. Once I got to work, I had 3 appointments scheduled: one no showed and one cancelled which only allowed for other phone calls and emails discussing other individuals needs and creating plans.
Currently, I have 4 stacks of records to look through for benefits claims, need to contact a provider about another person and have a long list of other tasks to get to. Honestly, it hasn’t been a particularly busy day, I haven’t had a revolving door of walk-ins and I only have 3 voicemails waiting for me. I have about 25 post-it notes on my desk and a dry erase board full of notes to help me not forget other tasks. I hate forgetting, especially because it means something someone needs isn’t happening.
There have been so many days like today that it’s hard for me to imagine what a normal day would be like. I will start on a task and then suddenly feel a rush of panic and I just kind of shutdown and lose focus. It becomes a regular battle with myself to push through the fatigue, the steady stream of anxiety, the deep breaths to try to calm myself down.
That alone is exhausting.
During the times I am able to work without any interruption caused by symptoms I am amazed at what I am able to accomplish in a short amount of time.
Really, it’s amazing!
I think I’m going to call these posts “Check Ins”. I used to be a counselor in a group home for adolescent girls. Our routine before we ate dinner was to “Check In” with our feelings from that day. It was helpful for the staff to better understand where our girls were emotionally that perhaps they hadn’t verbalized yet. Personally, I always found it helpful because my days were always spent tuning in to the needs of everyone around me that I would lose touch with myself from the time I arrived at work until I left, usually 10 hours later.
Old habits die hard, as they say.
For the purpose of this blog, it may be helpful to have a base line, of sorts, as I am waiting for lab results (appointment next week) and to begin treatment. Ugh, May 3rd feels like forever from today.
So, here is my “Check In”:
- tired (head is heavy, eyes are tired, neck muscles are tired)
- achy (lower back is killing me)
- face feels flushed, like I’m overheated, but I’m not
- sweaty armpits
- want to be alone, I’d say feeling avoidant
- overwhelmed with tasks to remember at work
I hope that one day, I will click on this post, and after reading be able to honestly say:
“Oh Yeah, I definitely don’t feel like that anymore!”