Today I was scrolling through my blogroll when I came across one of my favorite blogs: pendrops. I’ve never been a poet or a writer- I feel pretty inadequate most of the time actually, but I admire others for their gift and often collect their thoughts and words when they speak to where I am at the time. I’ll self-disclose a little and tell you that the last few years over here have been tough on me, my relationship with God and what I used to think that meant, even my marriage at times. I feel out of touch with the Body and my place in it. It has been so long since I have been able to enjoy fellowship and worship with believers I actually grieve for it at times. I can tell that I have become harder even cautious, and I ‘m not sure yet what that means. I know that I still have the hunger and the desire to learn and understand truth, but I wonder if I’ll be able to open my soul in truth and humility and allow others to see what’s really there. In the past, it’s only left me wounded. For now, I’ll keep on collecting poems like the one below and other people’s words making them my prayer, as long as God continues to bless others with the words I don’t have. It seems that when I do, God reveals a new truth about Him, my life and what living and loving is really all about.
O persistent God,
deliver me from assuming your mercy is gentle.
Pressure me that I may grow more human,
not through the lessening of my struggles,
but through an expansion of them…
Deepen my hurt
until I learn to share it and myself openly,
and my needs honestly.
Sharpen my fears until I name them
and release the power I have locked in them
and they in me.
Accentuate my confusion
until I shed those grandiose expectations
that divert me from the small, glad gifts
of the now and the here and the me.
Expose my shame where it shivers,
crouched behind the curtains of propriety,
until I can laugh at last
through my common frailties and failures,
laugh my way toward becoming whole.
~Ted Loder, Guerrillas of Grace