Almost There

The receptionist called again this morning. My heart sank when I saw the number on my phone in fear that it would have to be rescheduled again, but it sounds like everything is back from the lab and I can move forward.

T- minus 2 hours.  

I’m excited and nervous.  I feel like I’m sitting in a final holding area waiting for my name to be called so I can walk through the door to another way of living and feeling. 

I just want answers. 

I want someone to tell me there is a reason I can’t hold my babies and watch them grow up. And there is a reason I feel the way I do, everyday.  “These things happen” isn’t acceptable to me anymore.

It’s only been a few months since I lost my twins and emotions are running high today. I’m kind of a mess (I would say I’m a hot mess, but I feel cold at the moment). Up to this point I think that I’ve been coping with my grief by focusing on my health and searching for answers.  I honestly haven’t cried a lot. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t feel sad more often. My explanation is that I’m too tired to feel sad all the time.That may be hard to understand.

Today, all of the grief and struggle is bubbling up to the surface.  I can’t help but reflect over last three years and think of the four little ones I love so much, but don’t know.  It’s hard to put into words what this hope of having an answer feels like after all that has been lost. It’s bittersweet to say the least.

I’m rounding the last corner of a race I didn’t even know I was running but I can see the finish line (or is it the starting line?). My body and mind are tired my heart is bruised and I feel like I could shut down at any moment, but I know I’m almost there so I keep going.

I have no choice.

In just a few hours I could be on the road to healing and hope.

This song keeps running through my head today.  It makes me want to cry, whether from hope or despair, I’m not sure. 

Maybe both.

Her Name is Wisdom

I’m looking for her, but she’s so hard to find

Just like a treasure mine

 I won’t ignore her, she knows just what is right

 She’s leading me to the light

 

She shines like silver, she’s more beautiful than gold

And I love the diamond she holds

Nothing I desire can compare to…

 

Her name is Wisdom and she’s calling me

Yes, I have got to find her, dunno know where

But her name is Wisdom… and she’s what I need

 Her name is Wisdom and she’s calling me

 

I want to love her, i want her by my side

Everyday and night

 Just like my mother, she knows just what is right

And I will be safe tonight

 

She shines like silver, she’s more beautiful than gold

 And I love the diamond she holds

Nothing I desire can compare to…

 

Her name is Wisdom and she’s calling me

 Yes, I have got to find her, dunno know where

But her name is Wisdom… and she’s what I need

Her name is Wisdom and she’s calling me

 

“Hey where are you going?” she calls to me

“Do you understand?” she calls to me

“You can stop your mourning” she calls to me

“Come and take my hand.”

 

She shines like silver, she’s more beautiful than gold

And I love the diamond she holds

Nothing I desire can compare to…

 

Her name is Wisdom and she’s calling me

Yes, I have got to find her, dunno know where

But her name is Wisdom… and she’s what I need

Her name is Wisdom and she’s calling me

- Song and Lyrics by Kepano Green

Seriously?

Ugh. My doctor’s office called again. They contacted the lab and my blood results still aren’t finished. My appointment is rescheduled for May 21st. 

Two more weeks of waiting, wondering, trudging.

Just keep moving.

Believe

Check In:

It’s a Monday morning and I’m sipping an extra cup of coffee to try and give me a boost this morning. It’s one of those knuckle dragging mornings. 

So familiar. 

The thing is, I didn’t even leave my house yesterday.  Was it a beautiful sunny spring day?  I’m pretty sure it was.  It looked really nice from my kitchen window, but I don’t recall even stepping outside.  To feel this worn out is silly considering I folded laundry, loaded the dishwasher and organized some closets. Oh, and I went to bed at 9 pm and slept for 8 hours.

Saturday I had a really weird thing going on with my heart.  I think it’s worth mentioning as I understand there is a connection between heart problems and thyroid. In fact, at my Dr. appointment they did an EKG on me.  It was normal, but I plan to talk to my NP about this tomorrow.

Tomorrow!  I can’t wait.

Back to Saturday, I had a couple of things planned and I noticed that I kept feeling these odd heart flutters. I felt a little bit dizzy a couple of times, most notable when I was sitting down and traveling in a vehicle. Towards the evening it started to happen more and more, finally I gave up and went to lie down in bed around 830. I found my pulse on my neck and when I would feel a heart flutter, my pulse would sort of stall and then there would be a stronger “thump” and it would go back to normal. It kind of freaked me out. I fell asleep and didn’t feel it anymore on Sunday.

I remember feeling this a lot when I was in Junior High School. In the 9th grade it was happening so often and at the time only in the morning during gym class. I also remember fainting once around that time when I got up too quickly from the couch and walked back to my bedroom. All of the sudden I was on the floor about halfway down the hall next to the bathroom. My Mom took me to see our Family Doctor and they ordered a stress test. I remember running on a treadmill while hooked up to a bunch of machines. They didn’t find anything “abnormal.” I was told to “sit down and wait until it passes”. I thought I outgrew it because the heart racing and pounding has never been as intense as I remember it at 14/15, but I do recall experiencing heart flutters and dizziness over the years at different times. It still happens often when I stand up too quickly from a chair or out of my car, or out of bed. Just ask my husband.

Sometimes I struggle with believing myself. That these things are really happening and that I don’t feel well.  Who wants to be “that person” and walk around like a victim all the time? And who wants to listen to whiners? It’s very possible, however, that I’ve been living in some denial of myself because when I really think back over the last few years I realize, “hey, I do remember that happening”, or, “I’ve felt this before”. I think it’s a challenge to determine what is “normal” and what’s not. People have different levels of tolerance and what may be obvious to one person may not be to another. At the end of my appointment with my NP after we had discussed many things including my health history, the miscarriages, my symptoms, she said something that really struck me.  She glanced down at the notes she had written and said:

“Wow, Robin, to have been dealing with all of these losses and life stresses all the while feeling the ways you do… you are a hearty woman.” 

I think that’s the most understood I’ve ever felt in my life.

I feel like I need a check- in today. I’m struggling with boundaries and speaking up for myself when I lack the energy to meet other people’s expectations. I want to learn to be okay with that. I need a moment to stop and take some inventory.

I feel:

  • Tired
  •  Cold, shivering
  • Cold hands
  • Foggy brain
  • Heavy eyelids
  • Lethargic

 

Robin

Waiting

My appt to go over my blood labs was postponed a few more days because the lab hasn’t sent them back.

So I wait. Still.

I’ve reading a lot about Estrogen Dominance and its effect on thyroid function. Since I’ve been on the progesterone, I’ve noticed the gross and uncomfortable “night sweats” have all but disappeared. My NP said she thought it was related to that and I am so pleased to have some noticeable improvement. I can’t say I see a change in anything else, my body temps, my fatigue, headaches.

I seem to hit a wall on Wednesdays. They are the longest days ever. After Wednesdays I  shuffle through to Friday night when I crash. It sucks when you need to spend the weekend resting and recovering but you have housework, yardwork to tend to and try to have a little bit of a social life. I have to force myself to keep moving, not because I don’t want to, but most of the time I’m fighting the urge to lay on the couch.

I think it surprises people when I explain how I feel a lot of the time. I try to push through for the sake of trying to enjoy my life and the people in it. I don’t like whining and until recently I had no idea
why I felt the way I did. I just wanted to focus on doing things I enjoy and not dwell on how crappy I felt. Or overwhelmed.

I’m so ready to find out what is wrong, and what I can do to get a life! I want to discover what “normal” is. It sounds amazing to me right now.

Robin

Thyroid 101

Since I miscarried in February, the last few months have been like a health scavenger hunt that eventually led to my diagnosis of hypothyroid.  It’s a long story, which I will share, but before I do I think it would be a good idea to have a crash course on hypothyroidism, or “Thyroid 101.”

What is the Thyroid For?

The thyroid is the small bowtie or butterfly-shaped gland, located in your neck, wrapped around the windpipe, behind and below the Adam’s Apple area.

Here is a picture:

The main action of the thyroid is to create energy and produce heat. All the cells in the body need energy to do their job. For that they need to receive small amounts of thyroid hormone every day. The thyroid produces several hormones, but two are key to our health: triiodothyronine (T3) and thyroxine (T4). T3 and T4 help oxygen get into cells, and make the thyroid the master gland of metabolism. A thyroid gland that functions normally produces T4 and T3. 20% of the T3 circulating in the body comes directly from the thyroid gland, and the remaining 80% comes from conversion of T4. When the thyroid produces more hormones and it gets to the cells of the body, it is similar to pressing the accelerator and revving up the engine of a car.

Without enough thyroid hormone metabolism decreases and weight will go up.  Energy will be low and you will get tired easily. Your immune system will not work properly, making your more likely to have infections and even cancer. Your brain will not be as sharp, causing decreased memory and concentration. In short, every function and every process within your body will slow down, from circulation to bowel movements. It’s like taking your foot off the gas pedal; the body’s functioning will slow down.

How do you know something is wrong?

There is a huge list of possible symptoms of hypothyroid and many of them are confused as other issues and so hypothyroid is often misdiagnosed.  You can find a long list of symptoms from Stop The Thyroid Madness or on my “Symptoms” page.

In my case, my hypothyroid symptoms went unrecognized, and quite possibly existed for years.  I am still figuring all of this out, but when I look back over the years several of the symptoms jump off the page at me as I read the list: miscarriages, anxiety, fatigue, hair loss, difficulty losing weight, easily and quickly gain weight, acne (acne in your 30’s is worse than as a teenager), forgetfulness, air hunger (feeling like you can’t get enough air), aching bones/joints, often feeling cold (sleep with socks on in the summer), low body temperature.  Only in the last few years would I agree that I have been dealing with low grade depression and I always equated it to grieving the loss of my pregnancies.

It wasn’t until my third miscarriage in February 2012 that I began to ask questions and feel dissatisfied when my Doctor rattled off the same statistics of women with multiple miscarriages going on to carry full term. I’d heard them twice before and at the time I just accepted that, for whatever reason, my babies died and I needed to work on moving forward.

After my second miscarriage in December 2009, it was my Doctor’s plan to start me on progesterone as soon as I learned I was pregnant, which we did. The hormone progesterone is often called “the pregnancy hormone” because it plays 2 important roles in pregnancy:

  • Progesterone thickens and prepares the lining of the uterus, called the endometrium, for implantation of a fertilized egg.
  • After implantation, progesterone is important during the first trimester to maintain pregnancy.

During a normal pregnancy, around 8 weeks after implantation, the placenta takes over the production of progesterone from the ovaries. The placenta produces a significant level of progesterone to maintain a healthy pregnancy.

The thought was that perhaps my body wasn’t creating enough of the progresterone hormone and that by taking progesterone my pregnancy would be supported until the placenta took over.  Sadly and once again, I discovered I had miscarried at 9 weeks, just like I had twice before. We also learned that we were expecting twins. Genetic tests confirmed they were boys and there were no chromosomal abnormalities. I hate that it has taken this long to research for myself, but in the midst of my grief I just believed what the medical professionals were telling me. Miscarriage happens.

A few weeks after losing the last pregnancy, I started to research online the terms “multiple miscarriages” and “unexplained miscarriages”.  I found several websites mentioned thyroid dysfunction had a link to infertility and multiple miscarriages. I started to dig deeper and learned a lot about hypothyroid symptoms, body temperature and blood tests. 

I learned that many doctors only test for the “TSH” which only shows what the level of thyroid hormone is present in the body.  For many people, their body is able to create the hormone, but it does not utilize the hormone as it is supposed to. The best illustration for this that I have read is to think of a room with 4 white walls. On the floor next to you is a bucket of red paint.  You have all the paint you need to finish the room, but you do not have a paintbrush or a roller to apply the paint to the walls. This is what happens when you thyroid creates the hormone but can’t get it to the cells.

There is a test to determine if your body is converting the T4 hormone to T3 which “gets the paint on the wall,” so to speak, but according to my research, doctors are taught in medical school that T4 is the only thyroid medication that patients with hypothyroidism need and so the most common test is the TSH blood test which shows the amount of the hormone present (T4) before it is converted to T3 which gets to the cells.

Are you still with me?  It’s a lot of information I am still getting my head around. Here is a funny picture of a cat and dog.  Take a break. I’ll wait for you.

 

Better? Okay.

Of course I learned all of this the hard way when I asked my OBGYN to check my thyroid my results for TSH were 1.93 which is “within normal limits.” The most important first step is to get a full thyroid panel to determine whether you are lacking sufficient amount of thyroid hormones (T4), or if, like me, your body is not utilizing the hormone properly (converting T4 to T3).

What Causes Hypothyroid?

Here is a list of the many possible causes of hypothyroidism, also from Stop The Thyroid Madness (STTM).  You can read more detailed definitions for each of them at STTM.

  • Heredity
  • Iodine Insufficiency
  • Hashimoto’s Disease (also called “Hashi’s”)
  • Overtreatment for Graves Hyperthyroid or Hashi’s with Radioactive Iodine
  • Thyroid Removal Surgery
  • Radiation of the face/neck/chest
  • Tumor on the Pituitary Gland
  • Trauma from Accidents or Surgery
  • Pharmaceutical Drug Induced
  • Supplements
  • Over consumption of Goitrogenic Foods
  • Over consumption of Soy Products
  • Cigarette Smoking
  • Pregnancy/Childbirth
  • Menopause
  • Aging
  • Environmental Exposures
  • Perchlorate and Other Toxic Chemicals Exposure

 That’s probably plenty for today. 

I’ll continue with how I randomly came to the discovery that I do in fact have a thyroid condition among other things next time.

References:
Stop the Thyroid Madness
Thyroid Manager
Alt.Support.Thyroid
Thyroid (About.com)
Endocrine web
 
 

Check In

It’s midday and I am feeling the second “crash” of energy, concentration and motivation. I wasn’t organized this morning and left the house feeling frazzled and irritated because I shuffled around and took so long to get ready. Once I got to work, I had 3 appointments scheduled: one no showed and one cancelled which only allowed for other phone calls and emails discussing other individuals needs and creating plans.

Currently, I have 4 stacks of records to look through for benefits claims, need to contact a provider about another person and have a long list of other tasks to get to. Honestly, it hasn’t been a particularly busy day, I haven’t had a revolving door of walk-ins and I only have 3 voicemails waiting for me. I have about 25 post-it notes on my desk and a dry erase board full of notes to help me not forget other tasks. I hate forgetting, especially because it means something someone needs isn’t happening. 

There have been so many days like today that it’s hard for me to imagine what a normal day would be like. I will start on a task and then suddenly feel a rush of panic and I just kind of shutdown and lose focus. It becomes a regular battle with myself to push through the fatigue, the steady stream of anxiety, the deep breaths to try to calm myself down.

That alone is exhausting. 

During the times I am able to work without any interruption caused by symptoms I am amazed at what I am able to accomplish in a short amount of time.

Really, it’s amazing!

I think I’m going to call these posts “Check Ins”. I used to be a counselor in a group home for adolescent girls. Our routine before we ate dinner was to “Check In” with our feelings from that day. It was helpful for the staff to better understand where our girls were emotionally that perhaps they hadn’t verbalized yet. Personally, I always found it helpful because my days were always spent tuning in to the needs of everyone around me that I would lose touch with myself from the time I arrived at work until I left, usually 10 hours later.

Old habits die hard, as they say.

For the purpose of this blog, it may be helpful to have a base line, of sorts, as I am waiting for lab results (appointment next week) and to begin treatment. Ugh, May 3rd feels like forever from today.

So, here is my “Check In”:

I Feel:

  • tired (head is heavy, eyes are tired, neck muscles are tired)
  • achy (lower back is killing me)
  • face feels flushed, like I’m overheated, but I’m not
  • sweaty armpits
  • thirsty
  • want to be alone, I’d say feeling avoidant
  • overwhelmed with tasks to remember at work
  • sadness
  • fidgety

I hope that one day, I will click on this post, and after reading be able to honestly say:

 “Oh Yeah, I definitely don’t feel like that anymore!”

Robin

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